The Count's World 10: Beauty and the Bowser
by The Great Allie
Summary: While Tippi and Bleck are working out the kinks in their own relationship, they're called upon to help someone elses... meanwhile the Minions attempt to seal a hole in time and space.
1. 10 dash 1

_Welcome back! I'm back, and if you're reading this, you're back. Not only am I back to writing stories, but I'm working on some other projects involving The Count's World! And I'm playing through Super Paper Mario again. I have to find ALL the catch cards!_

* * *

"Minions!" Count Bleck declared authoritatively. His arms were spread wide, with the endless expanse in his cape sucking all of the distance out of the room. "Today, finally, we have new assignments."

"Yay!"

"Awright!"

"Magnificent!"

"Great!"

Count Bleck nodded and put his arm behind his back. "Yes," he said, "Your enthusiasm encourages me."

They were all gathered in the Meeting Room. You know, Count Bleck, Nastasia, Tippi, Mimi, O'Chunks, Dimentio, and Mr. L, all standing and ready to go. Awesome.

"Ah, we're ready an' rarin' teh go," said O'Chunks, flexing his chunks. "Yeh'r sendin' us oot teh pummel some bads, right?"

"Actually," Nastasia cut him off, "Today's mission has been specially requested for Count Bleck and Tippi."

"So, wait, we're not doing anything?" asked Mr. L.

"No, actually, you're doing something," said Count Bleck. "In fact, you're doing the very something I told you to do three weeks ago, and again two weeks ago, and then again and again last week."

"Ooooh..."

"Yyyeah," said Nastasia. "You're getting it done today. I gave you a list of chores and I expect you to finish it. I want you four to go to Nawrocki's old lab and fix that hole in time and space he made with his knife when he cut his way out. And after that I want all the bathrooms cleaned."

"Eew," said Mimi. "Even the toilets?"

"Especially the toilets."

"No fair."

"What mission has been requested of you, that none of us can come along?" asked Dimentio.

"Sorry," said Tippi. "Private."

"Yes," agreed Count Bleck. "And before we leave I want to make absolutely certain that all of you know what is expected of you. So, do you know what is expected of you?"

"Yes, Count Bleck," they all said dejectedly.

"Wonderful. Count Bleck is pleased." Then he reached under his glove, pulled out a rubber band around his wrist, and snapped it, wincing as he did.

"Wait, what was that?" asked Mr. L.

"Nothing you need to concern yourself with, assured Count Bleck." And he snapped it again.

"You just did it again."

"I know I did."

"Why?"

Nastasia cut in, "The Count already told you it was nothing you needed to worry about, so why don't you go ahead and butt out, K? Yeah, that's good." She clapped her hand once. "Now, get to work!"

Thus ended the meeting.

* * *

Earlier that week, Count Bleck and Tippi had gone to see a therapist concerning recent issues in their marriage. It was mostly about the issues that occurred recently during Nawrocki's mini-siege, but it tied back into the events of Super Paper Mario, making this a long-standing issue. Mutually they decided that it would be best to have a neutral third party, preferably a professional, talk through their problems with them.

Concerned about word getting out about it, they chose one in a very far away dimension, a tiny village populated with anthropomorphic animals and a few humans. Wandering around was the animal they were looking for, a large Axolotl salamander named Dr. Shrunk, who'd promised to help them get in touch with their emotions. They met up with him under a tree near the river that ran through town, a very peaceful relaxing sort of place. The kind of place where you can stay forever, just lying on the grass watching the clouds pass by.

Count Bleck brushed some dirt aside and carefully settled down on a patch of grass. Tippi rested on the brim of his hat.

"Hello," said Count Bleck. "I don't know if you remember, but we spoke earlier. I am Count Bleck, and this is my wife Timpani."

"Ah," said Dr. Shrunk. "So, you've finally realized you have some issues to work out."

"I'll say," said Tippi.

"Well, admitting you have a problem is the first step towards mental health. Now, you may find my methods a little... unorthodox at times. We'll just progress slowly. First, we'll tackle the difficulty you have expressing yourself."

"Pardon?" said Count Bleck.

"Oh, yes," said Dr. Shrunk. "Most of my patients have trouble expressing themselves. You'd be surprised how many aspects of your life can be affected by it."

"Maybe," said Tippi thoughtfully. "Well, you're the doctor, Dr. Shrunk."

"Yeah, I am. I'm also a stand-up comic!"

"Ah-huh."

"Our doctor is a stand-up comic, Timpani," said Count Bleck wryly.

"I heard him."

"I'm just making sure."

"Well," Dr. Shrunk cut in, "Only on the side, you see. Humor can be quite healing, and is often overlooked in the medical community. Try this one on for size: Why did the chicken cross the road?"

They stared at him.

"For fowl purposes!" He delivered the punch line passionately, and threw his arms out for good measure, waiting for them to shower him with praise.

They stared at him.

"Hm... very interesting," said Dr. Shrunk. "Your face is expressionless, perhaps even slack-jawed."

"He's telling us jokes, Timpani," muttered Count Bleck out of the side of his mouth.

"I heard him, Blumiere."

"I'm going to show you how to unleash your expressions, the REAL you! I warn you, processing your feelings can be difficult, but in the end it can only lead to a happier, healthier, more expressive you!"

Dr. Shrunk himself was certainly expressive. His face exhibited a broad range of expressions, usually backed up by his whole body. When he was enthusiastic, he danced all over. When he was annoyed, he was tense as a clock spring. When he was intense, he was scary. He was actually scary all the time, but never more so than when he was intense.

"Now, all of our sessions are subject to doctor-patient confidentiality," said Dr. Shrunk. "Let's begin, shall we?"

"Very well."

Dr. Shrunk continued, "As sentient beings, each of us possesses a wealth of memories and emotions. If we keep them bottled up, we will burst like so many agitated cans of soda."

(Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Dimentio pounded his fist into his palm.)

"I don't need to learn to express my emotions," said Count Bleck. "I'm very in touch with them."

"I'll say," said Tippi. "You're always brooding nowadays. What happened to the carefree Blumiere I used to know way back when, in the days before we were separated?"

"Ah," said Dr. Shrunk. "A change in emotions, is it? That can be just as significent. Tell me more about that."

"Well, it's like this," said Tippi. "When we're not together, he can't keep himself straight. He falls apart and tries to destroy the world or something."

"Not all the time," said Count Bleck.

"Well, you were pretty close to it last time," she replied.

"I most certainly was not."

"I don't want you touching that book."

"Fine, I won't touch the book. That doesn't mean I can ever forget the things I saw in it."

Dr. Shrunk held up his hands. "Let me see if I understand," he said. "When the butterfly isn't with the scary one, he does bad things, things he wouldn't do otherwise."

"You're the butterfly," Count Bleck said to Tippi.

"I know," she said.

"That means he thinks I'm scary."

"Yes, it does."

"He becomes angry, frustrated, but mostly afraid, is that correct?"

"Yes."

"a-HA!" Dr. Shrunk said triumphantly. "I cannot stress enough the importance of expressing your feelings. You must learn to express your frustration and anger, for if you carry on the way you are now you'll only spiral deeper and deeper into confusion and emptiness. Do you grasp the nuances of the emotion I'm expressing?" he added, as he was very clearly expressing some sort of angry, frustrated emotion.

"Yes, lied Count Bleck to get him to shut up."

"That, too!" Tippi said hotly. "I fell in love with Blumiere, but to this day he still insists he's Count Bleck!"

"I don't insist," said Count Bleck. "I already told you, I can't erase what I did simply by changing my name back. Besides," he added, "It's a habit I can't seem to break."

"Have you tried snapping a rubber band?" offered Dr. Shrunk. "That worked when I had to stop biting my nails."

Count Bleck stood up. "Well, this has been fun," he said. "But I believe we're late for a meeting."

"You don't have a meeting today," said Tippi.

"I'm calling one," said Count Bleck. "Thank you, Dr. Shrunk."

"Of course, the range of emotions is deep, and to be well-rounded you must learn as many expressions as you can," said Dr. Shrunk. "Be sure to come back and we'll work on your difficulty expressing yourself."

Count Bleck warped out quickly.

"It was nice meeting you, Dr. Shrunk," said Tippi politely before she followed him.


	2. 10 dash 2

A lot of strange things happened when Count Bleck and Tippi arrived in Bowser's castle.

The first strange thing was, someone was there to answer the door before they even knocked.

The next strange thing was that it was Mario who answered the door to them.

"Mario?" said Tippi in surprise. "Oh, how nice to see you again! But-- hold on, why are you answering the door to Bowser's Castle?"

Mario gave them an exasperated look that plainly said, you'll see.

The _next_strange thing was, as Mario lead them through the halls of Bowser's Castle, not one koopa or goombawas there to be seen patrolling the halls, or even wandering aimlessly (which Bowser's minions were more likely to do these days).

Then, when Mario cautiously opened a door to a medieval-torture-chamber-styled sitting room, it got its strangest.

Princess Peach was sitting on a stone sofa, arms crossed, nose turned up, snubbing Boswer. Snubbing Bowser, who was on one knee pleading with her to take him back. She was surrounded with gifts, from flowers and chocolates to jewels and bouquets of puppies. He even had on a bow tie. It was like something out of a very strange, very unfortunate soap opera.

"Aw, c'mon, Princess," he begged. "Don't let it end like this! You have to give our love a chance!"

He kidnapped the Princess, Mario explained. And when I came to save her--

Count Bleck put his face in his hands. "Oh, good Grambi, not this again..."

"I can change!" Bowser pleaded.

"No, you can't," said Peach. "You're still the same stubborn, selfish, mean old koopa you were since the day you first kidnapped me!"

"Admit it- that's what draws you to me."

"I am not drawn to you!"

"You just want our marriage to fail."

"WE ARE NOT MARRIED," she said sharply, and she stopped snubbing him long enough to give him the Evil Eye. "We aren't married, we were never married, and we will never BE married. I. Don't. Love. You."

"... So you're saying there's a chance." Bowser stroked his chin thoughtfully. "What if I kidnapped you again? I'm sure if I do it just right--"

"Will you get lost?!"

"So, you're saying you want our honeymoon to be in the Lost Woods?"

"I said no such thing! You're just taking one word from my sentence and inferring what you want to hear!"

"I'm not hearing a no..." he said hopefully

"I said 'no' at LEAST once in my sentence!" She pulled out her parasol and gripped the edges. "Here, how about I put it in terms you'll understand. Me, princess. You, moron. This, parasol. Hit on head!" And she did, with gusto.

Bowser clutched his head where she'd hit him. "Ow, why did this happen?" he wailed.

"I see," said Tippi. "So he's completely lost his mind."

Yes, said Mario. And you started it, so I thought your help might help finish it.

Peach tucked her parasol back into her dress. "Crystal clear, I trust?" she said lightly.

Bowser sighed. "I can see you need some more time to think this over. Why don't I lock you in your cell suite and you can think it over for the night."

Two Koopatrolls came out from cowering behind the curtains, picked up Princess Peach, and carried her out.

Count Bleck cleared his throat.

Bowser spun around and beamed. "Hey, Blecky-old-boy! You've gotta help me clear this up! She's not ever going to accept our beautiful marriage! Isn't that, like, what you do now? Fix things and people?"

"Oh, dear," said Tippi. "This is about that phony wedding, isn't it?"

"I don't know what I'm gonna do. She's so moody, she's constantly throwing things and shrieking..." Bowser was pacing around the room. Every time he turned his tail came dangerously close to knocking over a pedistal or chair and a Koopatroll came out of hiding to set it right.

Mario explained how Bowser and Peach had been going at it for days, and they had worked the castle into such a state that everyone was afraid of what the vicious king would do next.

"I see, said Count Bleck." He snapped the rubber band on his wrist.

Mario looked at him questioningly.

"Long story," Count Bleck explained. "Right now I think Bowser and I should have a talk." He sat down on the stone couch and tapped his lap. "Come here, sit on my knee."

"Uh-oh. This isn't about Birdos and Buzzers, is it?"

Tippi stopped flapping for a moment, then wailed in anguish, "Why does it burn?" Mario had to comfort her to get the thought out of her head.

"It's about your wedding," said Count Bleck.

"Is this about the bill? We never got one but I told Goomguard to send over a check to--"

Count Bleck held up his hand, and suprisingly Bowser stopped. "It's about the actual ceremony. You see... It wasn't a real wedding."

"Yes it was," said Bowser. "I was there. I saw it happen."

"No, what you saw was a FAKE wedding set up to summon the Chaos Heart," explained Count Bleck patiently. He spoke as if addressing a young, simple-minded child.

"But it worked, didn't it?"

"Pardon?"

"The heart was summoned."

"Well, yes, but--"

Bowser stomped his foot. "So, that means it was a real wedding!"

"No, it doesn't. I've read the Prognosticus. I know. Honestly, I can't really pronounce anyone married. I'm not a real Count. I just picked the name Count Bleck because it sounded cool." He looked over at Tippi. "Do I have to snap for that?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Oh. Well, I already did."

"Well. Now you've ruined it."

Count Bleck tried to take a different tack, but stumbled. He gathered his thoughts, and opened his mouth, only to realize that whatever he was about to say would surely be rebuked by Bowser. "To tell the truth," he said to Mario, "At the moment I'm a bit stumped."

Mario explained that this was about as far as he got, too.

* * *

In the old lab, O'Chunks, Mr. L, and Mimi were all crowded behind a large fallen lab table against the wall. In the middle of the lab, the site of their showdown, was a hole in time and space that Nawrocki had cut with a special knife when he was too weak to make a proper dimensional getaway. The hole stood there, like a tear down a curtain, with time and space flapping through it.

Dimentio was fairly used to such holes and was not afraid to hang a few feet above the table, laughing at his companions between baiting them.

"What is it?" asked Mimi in an awed whisper.

"Ah tell yeh, it's pure witchcraft and hobgoblinnery, 'at's what it is." O'Chunks thumped his chest once. "I seen it before once, on a march through a swamp."

"Does it bite?"

"Ah couldn't sey," O'Chunks replied sagely. "If it do, none 'ave lived teh tell the tale."

"Did it just move?" Mr. L jerked, ducking completely behind the table. "I think it just moved!"

"Well, it is vibrating," said Dimentio. "Dimensional drifts have a tendency to do that."

"No, I mean I think it's getting closer." Mr. L peered out cautiously. "I think it's angry at us." He felt around on the ground and found a good-sized piece of rubble. "Let's throw something at it."

"To scare it away?" asked Mimi.

"No, to see if it moves again, and then we'll have a gauge or reference to see if it's getting closer or..." Mr. L trailed off when he saw Mimi and O'Chunks staring at him slack-jawed. "Yeah, to scare it away."

He hurled the rubble and all four ducked behind the table.

"Did it move?" whispered Mr. L, after he was sure it wasn't about to eat them.

"I dunno," said Mimi. "I was covering my head."

"Well, if I'm gonna throw something, one of us is gonna have to look!" Mr. L reached out from the safety of the table and grabbed another rubble rock. "Now, I'm gonna throw another one and someone's got to look, okay?"

He stood up, wound his arm, and pitched the rock far into the room, and then they ducked behind the table again, heads covered with their arms.

Mr. L raised his head and frowned. "You guys, we have to pick someone to watch it!"

Dimentio laughed casually. "Ah, ha ha ha ha. Your pitiful attempts will not affect the dimensional hole. Dimensional rifts are _my_ forté . I shall seal up this hole... with magic!"

He floated carelessly over to the tear, raised his arms, and summoned a black box to appear around it. He flashed a grin back at the awed on-lookers, then turned back, flapped his hands once, and---

--was promptly sucked through the hole.

"WAAGAA!"

"Did you see that?"

Mimi rolled her eyes. "Yes, Mr. L, we all saw it. We're not dummies."

Mr. L looked wide-eyed at the hole. "That was so unexpected! Seriously, I was not expecting that!" He rubbed his eyes. "Is the hole still there?"

O'Chunks squinted. "Ah can't tell."

"I don't think I saw him close it all up," said Mimi, "but I sure don't see a hole now."

They all stared at the hole. It was so quiet you could hear a piece of rubble drop.

Finally, Mimi said, "One of us oughta see if it's still there."

At the same time, Mr. L and O'Chunks called out, "NOSE GOES!" and covered their face with their hand.

"What?" Mimi said in defiance. "O'Chunks, I didn't even think you knew 'nose goes!'

"'Ow d'yeh think a prominent warrior like mehself stays alive after all bein' in 'em battles, eh?"

Mimi groaned.

Mr. L broke off one of the table legs and handed it to her. "Here," he said darkly. "For protection."

Mimi took the table leg and nodded once. Then, carefully and slowly, she emerged from behind the lab table. She took one cautious step towards the center of the lab... then another... then she paused. Finally she had enough nerve to pick up her pace, just a little, but it was enough. Mr. L and O'Chunks looked on, fists clenched and silently cheering for her.

Finally, when she was only a few meters away from the hole, she hurled the table leg at it and ran back for the lab like Gnips were on her heels. She dove and skidded back to the table, throwing herself behind and not breathing until her back was pressed against the bottom of it.

"It's still there," she huffed once she'd caught her breath enough.

Mr. L looked up at O'Chunks. "What do we do now?"

"Ah say we run away to the desert an' change our names to Buttons, Swagger, and Sly."

"That's the best plan I ever heard," said Mr. L.

He grabbed his cap with one arm, Mimi with the other, and with O'Chunks in the lead they bolted out of the room and away from the scary hole.

* * *

Meanwhile, Count Bleck had long ago lost his patience with Bowser and was now simply hollering at him, as if sheer volume would penetrate his thick koopa skull. Mario was sitting on the couch now with Tippi resting on his hat as he enjoyed a small carton of popcorn. He watched the insults fly back and forth like it was a match of Mario Tennis.

"NO, said Count Bleck for the millionth time (snap) The Dark Prognosticus does NOT support your marriage. I know that book inside and out! I know how you'll die!"

"Oh yeah?" sneered Bowser. "How?"

"Five minutes from now, by strangulation, if you don't get a clue soon," he replied as if through gritted teeth.

"I think you're making that up."

"Fine, I'm-- but I'm right about one thing: You. Are. Not. Married."

"But we are, I KNOW we are! Argh! Look, I thought you were gonna help us save our marriage!"

"I promised no such thing!"

Mario ate another piece of popcorn and asked Tippi if she needed anything from the kitchen.

"No, I'm good," she replied. "How much longer do you think they can go on?"

Mario indicated that he had started a pool with his mailing list on the Mailbox SP as to which one would go hoarse first.

"At least when Bowser gets tired he might be more susceptible to reason."

A Koopatroll poked his head out from under the couch and whispered, "I told you guys, he's been like this for days."


	3. 10 dash 3

_Good bad news, everyone._

_If you haven't, search the Mario Wiki or Google for a picture of the "Super Mario-kun" manga volume 37. It's very clearly an adoption of Super Papes. It's got a Tippi and Mr. L on the cover. But it's no ordinary Tippi. She looks more like a chibi cartoon butterfly with a face and limbs and everything._

_Honestly, that's how I want to picture her from now on. It's so dehumanizing to imagine her as floating triangles. I want her to look more like a fairy, and to have a face and stubby little arms. So I'm going to think about this. I submitted a picture, "Tippi-chan," to deviantART._

_YOU don't have to picture her any certain way, and I won't write it so you have to (for now) but I most certainly have decided that I will imagine her this way._

_Well, whatever. More developments on this as the story unfolds._

_Also, to **K.T**.- my brother read your review and said that the name for what you're describing is, "table banter," apparently. And I do love writing table banter._

_And as always, thanks for the reviews everyone! Onto the story:_

* * *

Hours ago, Count Bleck had lost his voice arguing with Bowser and had left the castle with Tippi and Mario. They had only gone outside and hid in some brush around it, but as far as Bowser was concerned, they were gone and he still had his princess.

Mario had gone off to rescue her, but Count Bleck knew that this wouldn't be over as long as Bowser was still convinced that they were married. So he did what he did best, and that was to think.

"I'm pondering something, Timpani," he said. He was lying down on the ground, and although he cringed to think how it was staining his lovely white cape, he did his deepest thinking on his back looking up at a passing sky. His arms were spread out to the side, exposing the inside of his cape. If someone passed by and accidentally trod upon it, there was a good chance they would fall into space.

Tippi landed on the brim of his hat. "You've been doing some very deep pondering, haven't you?"

"Very deep indeed." Count Bleck sat up and Tippi began to brush the dirt off of his cape with her wings. "I confess that I am very ashamed of my earlier behavior. I now see that there's no point in arguing with a four hundred pound brick wall. I am quite ashamed of myself. That was something I would expect out of one of my minions."

"So you've come up with a plan that requires more finesse?" Tippi asked from behind him. "Nice dig, by the way."

"Thank you. No, to use _reason_ against an unreasonable force is a foolish and ugly idea. We must play his game by _his_ rules, and in doing so will have a chance at winning the game."

Mario returned then, wall-kicking his way down the castle with the princess in his arms. He took two large jumps to cross the distance between the fortress wall and the Count's resting place. He gently placed Princess Peach on her feet.

Peach threw her arms around him and kissed him. "Oh, thank you for rescuing me… again!" she cooed.

Tippi cleared her throat. "Ahem, yes, well, we were just discussing our plan."

Mario was surprised at the thought of them having a plan.

"Well, it's not exactly a plan, clarified Count Bleck (snap), more of an idea."

* * *

O'Chunks, Mimi, and Mr. L were huddled together in the castle, putting together the last of their escape. All three of them were pouring over a dimensional map.

"If we take the path between this world and that one, and then cut across here…" Mimi said, pointing along the way, "then we can get to the desert in no time at all."

"No good," said Mr. L. "I don't think we can get through the tollbooth very easily."

"Ooh, right, right." She frowned. "O'Chunks, do you have any money for the toll?"

"Ah'm tapped, lass," said O'Chunks. "Spent the last o' me coins on a—well, it's none o' yer business what I choose teh do wit' me own hard-earned cash."

"Nonononono, wait," Mimi waved her hand. "We can just cut through this dimension here."

"Isn't that one dimension attached to a painting in Peach's castle?"

"Oh, I guess. That's probably not good, is it?"

"Mm, I don't think so. Hey, how 'bout here?"

They all looked at the directions. "Perfect," the agreed.

Mr. L reached into his pocket. "Here," he said, "before we leave we ought to disguise ourselves." He pulled out three fake moustaches and handed them out, and they all put them on.

"Now we look totally different," said Mimi gleefully. "No one will recognize us!"

* * *

Count Bleck tapped on the front door of Bowser's castle with the jewel on his staff. "Yoo hoo," he called pleasantly. "It's Count Bleck (snap), for King Bowser."

There was no answer right away. Count Bleck put his hands behind his back and looked around, humming tunelessly.

"Is it working, by the way?" asked Tippi.

"Pardon?"

"The rubber band."

"Hm? Oh. Oh! I haven't noticed."

"Well, I mean, you really _should_ be noticing. Maybe you're not snapping it hard enough."

"Count Bleck is snapping it as hard as he can without breaking the rubber band, said Count Bleck as he snapped the band… twice."

"You're supposed to be _breaking_ the habit, not making another one," she said indignantly.

"I'm working on it."

"I don't think you're trying."

"I assure you I am."

Princess Peach looked at Mario, who just shrugged.

"Well, maybe you should try a little harder," said Tippi.

"I'm trying as hard as I—"

Just then, the door opened and ended the marital spat. In a moment, the four of them were back in the same room where their earlier unsuccessful meeting had gone. Bowser was lying on his back, holding a book in one hand and writing in it with the other, using a pen with a big plume on the end.

Count Bleck waved. "Hello. It's us again."

Bowser threw the book over his shoulder and jumped up. Two Koopatrolls scurried to grab the book and hide it.

"Why don't you knock or something before you come in, huh?" he barked.

"Because there isn't any door," replied Count Bleck.

"You could knock on the wall," Bowser said indignantly.

"The wall is stone. I doubt you could hear me knocking very easily, unless you were listening for it."

Mario leaned over and knocked on the wall three times.

"Well, it's _rude_ to be rude to the king in his own castle!" He leaned over and saw Peach. "And how did you get out? You're still supposed to be reading those sonnets of my love!"

"I burned them," said Peach. "And Mario rescued me from that awful room. You know, _Mario_, the man I love more than anything? Who is _Mario_, here, and clearly not you?"

Bowser huffed out some smoke. "You can see what I have to work with," he said to Count Bleck. "The ink's hardly dry on our wedding license and already she's having an affair with some no-good plumber." He stomped his foot. "Why do you always ruin everything!" he hollered at Mario. "Let's go, you and me, right here, right now. We'll finish this in a battle."

"No one's battling anyone," said Count Bleck as he stood between them. "I'm here to announce my irrefutable proof that you're not married to the Princess."

Bowser, who was midway through breathing fire on Mario, turned his eye to Bleck. "Uh?" Mario took that opportunity to jump out of the flame and onto Bowser's head.

"Foul! Foul!" cried Bowser. "We were totally in time-out!"

"Stop it, both of you!" shouted Peach.

Count Bleck nodded. "Yes, I'm not going to be playing referee. I simply wanted to tell you, Bowser, that I have irrefutable proof that you aren't married."

"I thought we've been through this," said Bowser. "Get outta my castle or I'll throw you in the lava moat." Peach started to leave. "Not you," said Bowser.


	4. 10 dash 4

Count Bleck summoned Nastasia to his presence. He had all the time he needed to get himself in order, having trapped Bowser in a box in a similar manner to Dimentio. Bowser was pounding angrily on the glass, demanding to be let out because if they didn't he was going to pummel them _so hard_, but fortunately the barrier was sound proof. Meanwhile Mario, Peach, and Tippi looked on, with only an idea as to what the Count's plan was.

Nastasia handed Count Bleck a thick book. "Just like you asked for," she said.

Peach leaned over Count Bleck's shoulder. "What's this?"

"Proof for an idiot," said Count Bleck.

Bowser pounded on the box harder. Apparently, he knew they were talking about him.

"He's going to be very mad when you let him out of there," said Peach.

"I'm sure he will," replied Count Bleck, thumbing through the pages. "Ah. Here we are." He waved his staff and the box disappeared, just as Bowser was throwing his weight on it. Of course, he went sprawling.

He jumped up and said, "Oh, now you're in for it. You just messed with the wrong Koopa King."

He spat a fireball straight at Count Bleck. Count Bleck sighed, closed the book, and disappeared.

"What? Where'd he go? No fair!" Bowser looked around wildly for him.

Tippi, sitting on Mario's hat, was laughing. She saw what was coming next.

Count Bleck appeared behind Bowser, the bottom of his cape at snout level. He whapped him on the head with the jewel on his cane. But when Bowser turned around, Count Bleck was already gone. He re-appeared right where he had been to start with.

"Stop doing that!" said Bowser. "Your stupid warp tricks are ruining everything!"

"I'm terribly sorry," said Count Bleck, "but you see, this is serious business that I can't take care of if I'm on fire. I despise being on fire, you know."

"As do we all," added Nastasia.

Tippi was upside down now, writhing with silent laughter.

"I had just gone home to double check my facts," explained Count Bleck. "Or, rather, have my assistant check my facts for me. That's what I hired her for, anyway. Well, actually, I hired her because I saved her life and she's devoted herself to my service, and it seems a pity to waste such talents."

"Although," said Nastasia, "I had hoped you'd take a more liberal definition of 'devotion to your service.'"

Count Bleck gave her a shocked-yet-amused look. "In a K+ fic, Nastasia? Are you really going to go with that?"

"I don't get it," said Bowser.

"See, there you go."

Count Bleck shook his head. "Well, whatever. Count Bleck—that is, I have no concern over who's exposed to what. The more pressing matter is found here in the guide to Mushroom Kingdom Law, in the chapter about marriage."

He glanced at Tippi and said, "Better, yes?"

"You didn't snap," she replied.

He grimaced and snapped the band. Instead of snapping over his wrist, it broke free and sailed across the room.

"It was fun while it lasted," said Count Bleck. "But back to business. Actually, Bowser, we have you yourself to thank for this quite interesting turn of events."

"Buh?"

"There's an interesting law on the books," said Count Bleck, showing Bowser the pages in the book he was reading. "It dates back several hundred years. You see, back then, as with today, the princesses had a hard time staying un-kidnapped. It's a common problem, apparently.

"The kings would send all their brave knights to rescue the princess and bring her back unharmed, but when you were doing it every other week, risking your life for someone who can't seem to _stay_ rescued begins to feel like a waste of time. The kings tried everything to reinforce the knights to continue protecting and rescuing the princesses, but eventually the knights just stopped expending the energy.

"So one generation's king made a declaration- that whoever rescued his daughter from the King Koopa would become her husband, immediately and officially. Being that she was the most beautiful woman in the land, and that before that declaration the only ones eligible to marry her were royalty and nobility, well, you can imagine the enthusiasm. Young, swooning men from all over the world swarmed to his castle, and overpowered his armies. One emerged victorious and returned her safely to his kingdom.

"The princess was never kidnapped again, for if she were, and her husband didn't rescue her, she would become someone else's bride. He fiercely protected her for the rest of their lives. The king was so happy with the result that he made it an official law, on the books, generation after generation of princesses marrying their heroes."

Bowser was looking at the book, slack-jawed.

"Are you telling me…?"

Count Bleck nodded.

"…that all this time I was trying to get her to marry _me_…"

He nodded again.

"THAT I WAS MAKING SURE _THOSE_ TWO STAYED TOGETHER?"

His last roar was so great that Count Bleck bent backwards at a forty-five degree angle, and grabbed an end table to push himself back up.

"'Fraid so," said Nastasia.

Bowser called for Kammy. "KAMMY! GET YOUR SHELL IN HERE!"

Count Bleck teleported everyone on _his_ side of the argument to a safe distance from the castle, across the lava moat. And they all took a good long time to stop laughing long enough for Peach to say, "You made _all_ of that up, didn't you?"

Count Bleck showed her the book, where he'd had Nastasia sew in several pages that she made with her impeccable handwriting. "Every word of it. I just figured he needed something like that to bring him back down to reality."

Something exploded in the castle, probably Bowser learning that Kammy didn't know whether or not it was actually true.

"Mario, that's your cue," said Count Bleck. "Subdue the beast, in case he's decided to kidnap our dear Princess Peach again."

Mario nodded and bounced into action.

"Timpani, why don't you go with him?" added Count Bleck. "He'd appreciate the extra help in battle."

"Really?" she squeaked, and then, "Uh, ahem, all right! I'll go help Mario." And she was off, too.

Count Bleck then bowed to Princess Peach. "May I teleport you home, Princess?"

"No, thank you," said Peach politely. "I'd like to wait here for my hero to rescue me. I wouldn't want to end up married to the wrong person."

* * *

Count Bleck and Nastasia returned to Castle Bleck.

"Nastasia, take a memo," he said as they walked down the hall together. "Never shall the minions of Bleck become involved in ordeals with Bowser ever again. It's not worth the ulcers."

"Shall I put it in the Beige Prognosticus?"

"No, I think not."

Count Bleck rounded the corner and found himself face to face with Mimi, O'Chunks, and Mr. L. Each one was clutching a small suitcase and wearing a false moustache.

They were silent for a moment.

Then, Mr. L said, "Oh, yeah, hi, Count."

The others murmured greetings.

"Did you complete your chore?" asked Count Bleck.

"Um, yeah, see, about that…"

"It's a yes or no question, Mr. L."

Mimi suddenly threw her arms around the base Count Bleck's cape and started wailing, "It was so awful, Count! It ate Dimentio! Just _pfft_ and he was gone! Gone forever! It's a monster and now it has a taste for blood!"

Count Bleck shook his head. He picked Mimi up by the waist and set her down on her feet. "So you were running away, is that it?"

"We were going into hiding," she explained.

"That explains the false moustaches." Count Bleck looked at Mr. L, who was wearing it over his regular moustache, and Mimi, who couldn't grow one in the first place.

O'Chunks shrugged. "What can ah say? If'n ah can't chunk it, ah can't chunk it."


End file.
